At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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