She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
