i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
