I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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