I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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