The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
