I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
