I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
