The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
