he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
