i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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