And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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