Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
