I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
