I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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