Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
