Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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