Just fell off a train. Bad.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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