just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
