sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He kissed a someone with a penis
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
