you traded sex for a burrito?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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