People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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