just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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