there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
