so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
