Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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