I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize