About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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