update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Randomize
