I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
