Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
