new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
