i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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