don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
