why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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