She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
