Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
