just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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