Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
