11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
