you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
