Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
