plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Randomize
