put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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