Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
