drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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