Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
