quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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