dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
