ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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