ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
