the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
