someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
