maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize