Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
