I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
