I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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