i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
