i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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