just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
